Care-aversary Reflections
A decade of caregiving, 48 years of Icelandic women's strikes, and new care challenges
There’s a reason why on babies’ first birthdays, we often say to parents:“congratulations, you survived the first year!” Becoming a mom has been the hardest job and adjustment ever, and one I wouldn’t trade for anything. And while we are on annoyingly true cliches, “the days are long but the years are short” is far too accurate. That first year was an eternity, so many sleepless nights, new milestones every day, figuring out how to do life with a new little person entirely dependent on me. A daily emotional rollercoaster. And then somehow I blinked, and last Tuesday my firstborn turned 10. I’ve been feeding my sentimental side by searching through old baby pictures, and catching myself staring at my son and drifting into anticipatory nostalgia as I think about how he is likely just eight years from heading out into the world. The thought sends me through disbelief, maternal pride and heartbreak all at once.
Hitting double digits is a big milestone for him, but it also feels like a huge milestone for me as a mother and a caregiver. It has had me reflecting on the person he is growing in to, but also my caregiving journey and the person I have become. Learning to become attuned to another human’s every need, often when they can’t clearly communicate them, both requires and develops a level of empathy unlike any other experience. Here are just a few of my reflections on how parenting has changed me:
It leaves much less room for selfishness, sometimes to a fault, especially given the increased pressure parents face to do it all.
It has forced me to see everyday things through a new lens. What feelings and learnings is my child working out through that game he repeatedly wants to play? How will my choices about what to eat, how I care for my body, and how I manage stress impact my children and my relationship with them? Can they help me re-learn spontaneous wonder and joy in the most mundane things?
It holds up a mirror to your biggest fears, flaws, and past traumas, which can be painful. In the same way, parenting provides the opportunity to intentionally repeat the good parts of your own upbringing and live differently and heal from the not-so-good ones.
I never could have imagined when I started this journey that I’d be in the caregiving sandwich I’m in today. My parents were having a few minor health issues here and there, but they were generally in fairly good shape. Despite being completely overwhelmed by the tasks on my plate these days, my children are a source of comfort as I navigate my parent’s aging and care needs.
Icelandic women’s strike
My 10-year-old shares his birthday with the anniversary of the Icelandic Women’s Strike. On October 24, 1975, Icelandic women held a work strike - halting ALL work for a 24-hour period, including domestic and child rearing labor. Fathers brought their children to work. The strike was called to protest systemic wage discrepancy, and to highlight the indispensable and undervalued nature of women’s work. 90% of women in the country participated. The following year, the Icelandic government passed a law guaranteeing wage equality.
Despite now having one of the highest rates of gender parity in the world, at over 90%, Iceland refuses to stop until full equity is reached. This year, 48 years after that first strike, Icelandic women struck again for the seventh time, and even the (female) President and the 2/3 of her cabinet that identify as women participated. Once again, Scandanavia provides an incredible example that we should be paying attention to, and replicating around the world. Can you even imagine if all women stopped working for one day in the US? I honestly can’t. But I enjoy thinking about the impact and awareness it would force.
My friend David recently shared an optimistic article about how more men here in the US are taking on caregiving duties for aging parents. I was surprised to see the the stat that 47% of caregivers 18-34 caring for someone with dementia are men. I think men, and all of us, need more real caregiver stories like the one shared in this article. It even details an argument the caregiver has with his brother about the type of support he needs - which resulted in him essentially giving his brother a lesson on the mental load. Normalizing these stories and examples could go a long way toward caregiver equity.
I’m keeping it short this week, as I sit in the hospital next to my dad who has had another health downturn. He fell and broke his femur in several places, underwent intensive surgery (also on Oscar’s birthday) and has a long road to an unknown level of recovery in a rehab facility. On top of spending time with him in the hospital, next week I will be moving my mother to a nursing facility with a higher level of care, which will be a big lift, physically and emotionally. It’s not yet clear how I will do all of these things while also taking care of kids and continuing to work. But, one step at a time. My goal is to send these newsletters as regularly as possible, and to continue to build this community. I hope you’ll stick with me even as the date and the spacing of my emails fluctuates along with the waves of caregiving demands I’m riding. Thank you for being here. As always, please share any thoughts with me, and feel free to share this with anyone you think would enjoy reading it.
📚 Reads
Iceland’s Prime Minister Joins Thousands of Women on Strike
More Men are Taking Care of Aging Parents. They Feel Unprepared.
Gen X Workers Want different Benefits. Companies are Answering the Call.
Love this article, so heart felt and so many truths about caregiving…
Beautifully written. Thank you for articulating so well the complexities of caregiving.