Caregiver Microfeminism

Challenging default gender norms in real time with young kids

The little things matter. And the little ones notice. Shout out to my husband for his acts of microfeminism that do not go unnoticed.

How are you, friends? Many of us in the US are prepping for thanksgiving, still processing the election, and possibly dreading the combination of big family gatherings + politics. Are some of you finding that your post election grief has morphed into a pendulum swinging between rage and disassociation? You’re not alone.

There is a deep and real concern about what the election results will bring for all who don’t identify as cis-white-hetero-male. Women and trans individuals are particularly under attack, both in terms of the very real proposed (and promised) policies limiting our rights and freedoms, but also in the brazen gender-based attacks that surged online after the election.

And, perhaps not surprisingly, what also surged was American women’s interest in the South Korean 4B movement, in which women outright reject dating, marriage, sex and childbearing with men.

Yep, the gender divide that in many ways framed the 2024 election just got a whole helluva lot worse.

For inclusive societal and generational change to occur, we ultimately need policies, spaces and leadership that reflects that inclusivity. However - in the sprit of Thanksgiving and the fact that we can only control the things we can control - I’m going to focus on the other critical part of societal change, the one that occurs in communities and families. The bottom-up approach, if you will.

So in this discouraging and regressive climate, what can we do from the bottom up to foster mutual understanding and gender equity, especially among the younger generations? One way is to intentionally and often reinforce our values through micro actions and interactions in our lives, every day- aka, microfeminism, or more broadly, microinclusivity.

I hadn’t heard the term until recently, but I realized that I’ve been practicing it for a while. Here are some small but concrete ways we work in our home to challenge gender-normative thinking and encourage a mindset of gender equity with our children.

• Using “she” (or “she or he”) as the generic default for any theoretical doctor, lawyer, or person in power, for which “he” has long been the default.

• Not referring to toys, colors, books or clothing as a “boy” or “girl” thing. It’s pretty shocking how gendered these items are from birth. Have you been to the toy section at target lately? It can be surprisingly hard not to get trapped into it. I admit, I was excited to buy my daughter cute dresses after having two boys who refuse to wear anything but sweatpants. But I can also honestly say that if she also decided that she only wanted to wear sweatpants, I’d be fine with that too.

• Pointing out or questioning when others say things that make big assumptions about gender (or sexual preference, race, ability, etc). Children’s books can be sneaky, and I’ve been known to stop and point it out!

• And to the last point, being intentional about the mix of books on the kids’ shelves, or as they get older, that I gift or suggest to them.

• Making sure both my boys and girl help fold clothes, and see their dad folding clothes, and other chores that typically fall on moms. We talk about why it’s important for everyone to pitch in to keep a house running smoothly.

• Teaching them to notice what needs to be done, not just wait to be asked to complete a specific task. “Look around. What do you see that needs to be done?”

• Talking to them about my work, speaking engagements, and seeing that mom sometimes prioritizes trips to do the work I’m passionate about as well as to provide for our family - even though it sometimes means being away from them.

• Adding male parents by default to birthday invitations, playdate threads, etc.

• In discussing the idea of partnership or marriage, referring to the “person” they may decide to spend their lives with - without assuming the gender they will choose. Also saying “if you decide to get married / have children.”

• Never forcing them to hug or sit on adult relatives’ laps if they don’t want to.

• Frequently reminding kids that if someone says “no” or “stop” when it comes to their body, they better stop immediately. This goes for tickling, hugging, anything.

I surely get it wrong sometimes, I definitely miss opportunities, and at times, I fumble. I second guess or regret things I say after recognizing that it could have been framed in a more gender-neutral or inclusive way. It’s certainly not about being perfect or policing everything that is said, but prioritizing and being intentional about language and actions so that they reflect our family values, in a way that is integrated with our daily lives. And continuing to be curious and to learn from these moments, because hopefully they will also learn to stay curious and open, and share these values with the people they engage with in the world.

Are there ways that you practice microfeminism, or microinclusivity, with your children? Or perhaps with your parents or older relatives - before or after they say cringey things over Thanksgiving dinner? I’d love to hear about it in the comments!

Thanks for reading and for being part of this community. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving and Native American Heritage Day.

xoxo Anna